I never talk about Dwayne.
Partially because I have settled for being grateful that I escaped the relationship with my life. Partially because my mind blocks him off, for the most part. And mainly because… Dwayne almost killed me,
Twice.
Dwayne was a malignant narcissist who used to beat me so severely that sometimes I couldn’t even get myself help — because I was so messed up I had to heal first just to get physically away from him.
But that’s not what today’s article is about.
This article is about how we met because when it comes to a malignant narcissist this needs to be addressed. Because if it weren’t for their strategic tactics a number of our encounters with them never would have happened,
Especially mine.
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We met in Spanish 102
We went to the same community college, where we ended up being placed in the second of two required Spanish courses.
We didn’t talk, initially.
Immediately, on the first day of this class, I made friends. We were a small group of 4/5 and we were the class clowns. We all had these loud standout personalities and made every day a party in our section of the classroom.
Underneath the exterior, we were nervous about how well we would perform because our professor was notoriously pleasant — but strict. And I, personally, have ADHD.
If a class wasn’t stimulating enough or if I was nervous about how well I would perform and the friends I might (or might not) make, I would turn my personality up.
My method of entering a new class was to break the ice immediately to avoid conflict or failure. I easily drew attention to myself, therefore, I became an easy magnet for narcissists.
Specifically, the malignant narcissist.
This is because narcissists are always looking for new sources of supply. They are always on the hunt. And sometimes standing out means attracting the attention you never wanted.
Sometimes it means being the prey.
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I saw the light
He never spoke to me or my group (who would eventually, of course, become his friends too). And I never spoke t him. Truthfully, I never really noticed him and he didn’t stick out.
He made sure to change all that.
What he did was, quite literally, draw my attention to him so that I would interact with him. And it worked.
One day, my little group and I were in our usual corner of the classroom goofing off. The class hadn’t started yet so we had time to mess around.
Out of nowhere, my friend Nori tapped me on my arm and pointed at the empty desk in front of us, and there we saw this dancing… light.
We were trying to figure out where it came from because it was moving back and forth, like a laser (think of a cat toy). We kept following the light and it became a game.
Suddenly, I happen to look up and see Dwayne staring at us with no emotion on his face and a mirror in his hand. He was holding the mirror low and manipulating the light with his mirror.
This broke the ice and opened the lines of communication between all of us, and him. Immediately, the love bombing began and within a month (October) we were sleeping together. It would take the fourth of July for my beatings to begin.
Looking back on all of the tactics I’ve experienced narcissists use, I realize that this too was another form of approach. As I’ve said in my last article, Your Relationship With a Narcissist Will Begin Like This,
Narcissists usually approach their victims.
But this approach is adjusted when the malignant narcissist (and sometimes the overt narcissist) enters the scene. The approach is almost so subtle it’s unseen. Why? Because they bait you into making the approach for them,
Malignant narcissists like to manipulate encounters.
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The phone call that changed everything
One evening, after one of my beatings, Dwayne went to the bathroom. I wouldn’t realize this was a ploy to mask what he was really doing until I emerged from his room to get some water.
The kitchen was adjacent to the bathroom and the apartment was very small, so as I was walking back I heard Dwayne on the phone. What he said next was what made my blood run cold.
Apparently, Dwayne was actually hiding out in the bathroom having a very disturbing conversation with a male friend, on the phone. Here’s what I heard him saying through the door —
You always have to keep one in your back pocket, keep a spare woman. Always keep women in rotation. Make them think you’re chasing them when in reality they’re the ones chasing you. Don’t put too much effort, just enough to create the illusion that they’re being pursued. This is what I do and it always works. It worked on her, easily.
By “her” he meant me.
He knew he was revealing secret information about his narcissism, he must’ve felt exposed too because directly after saying that he opened the door to see me standing right outside of him, staring at him.
I said nothing as I went back to his room.
I was too beaten (and ashamed) to make it back home and terrified of hospitals after my father had died a couple of years prior so I never got the medical help I needed until my very last beating (the following year).
In my mind, there was nowhere to go and no way out, so I stayed. Needless to say, he beat me again that night. But at the very least, I was given a glimpse into how the malignant narcissist operates. And years later,
I am alive to share this information with all of you.
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This is about reverse psychology — and stroking egos
Image by iStockPhoto.com
Malignant narcissism is defined as —
A form of narcissistic personality disorder that is highly abusive. People with this personality supposedly get a sense of satisfaction from hurting others and may manipulate people or lie to gain money, acclaim, and other things they desire.
Common traits include —
- lack of empathy
- using relationships primarily as a tool for gaining self-esteem
- having little interest in others’ experiences, needs, or feelings
- attention-seeking behavior
- feelings of entitlement or being special
- believing themself to be superior to others
He fit the bill.
Dwayne thought very highly of himself and very lowly of others. I would later see this unfold when I witnessed how negatively he talked down to his two younger brothers in my presence.
He also beat me so badly one day that I actually had to hit him back to get him to release his grip because he had me in a specific position that was either going to disfigure me or kill me. When I did this,
He surprised me by screaming —
YOU THINK YOU’RE BADDER THAN ME????
The rage and offense he took to this shocked me as much as my having to hit him shocked him. This moment, along with his behaviors and that phone conversation lead me to understand something very important.
Malignant narcissists see so highly of themselves, and so lowly of you, that they actually believe you’re lucky to have them. Essentially, you’re supposed to gravitate toward them.
Not only because they have this grandiose sense of self, and a powerful image of themselves, but because of the ego boost they get from pulling strings. Remember, they manipulate their encounters.
…
Dwayne baited me into chasing him
I’d honestly consider it him chasing me until I caught him.
I believed he was the one who pursued me but it was actually me who gravitated toward him. I started speaking to him after I realized he was the one shining the light.
Being more extroverted, it wasn’t beyond me to initiate conversations and break the ice — often. I considered his shining that light as his way of initiating contact when in reality he was already watching me.
Eventually, he had me figured out and then figured out a way to get me to approach him — saving him the hassle of doing so himself.
What makes this worse is the fact that, like most malignants, he believed there was no way he could lose — and in my case, he was right. I took the bait and he knew I would.
Important to understand
Where a covert narcissist might bait you into a chase out of fear of rejection and wanting to remain under the radar, the malignant narcissist will bait you into chasing them out of a sense of entitlement,
And to stroke their own ego.
It’s this logic that plays a key role in their chase or the lack thereof. Remember, in their minds, they can’t lose. This is why there’s an element of laziness in their lack of initiative.
Why should they lift a finger to do any of the work? You’re lucky to have them, remember? Why would they chase you when they just know you’re going to gravitate toward them?
They know you’re going to want them. They know you’re going to come around — eventually. It’s just a matter of you getting with their program.
Ultimately, it’s just a matter of time
© Linda Sharp 2022. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
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