**Trigger Warning// Sexual Violence, Blood, and Domestic Violence**
Imentioned before that I don’t talk about Dwayne, in the following article, where I discuss how we both met.
This was the very first article I wrote about him.
I’ve stayed away from him, in all aspects (including, writing) because Dwayne was the most dangerous man I have ever dated, next to my most recent ex.
The difference between the two is that my ex would use his intellect, and behind-the-scenes tactics; as well as, emotional manipulation to inflict serious harm. Although he would say some boldly vile things and had a loaded sense of self-superiority,
Dwayne was explosive.
He would lose his temper and begin beating you, damn near to death — in front of other people. The following incident is one example of this.
…
It Was December 27th, 2014
Christmas had just passed
Now, I’m going to tell you the truth. I don’t remember what happened or why it happened because my mind has genuinely blocked off a lot of this relationship.
What I do know is that however cruel he was being, it caused me to calmly tell him that I was leaving and that our relationship was over. I then began walking to his bedroom door so that I could get to the front door and leave.
What happened next was felt, not seen.
I had only really made it a step or two because within split seconds his hands were wrapped around my throat and my head was banged against the concrete wall I was just standing in front of as he told me —
You’re not going ANYWHERE. We are NEVER breaking up. DO YOU HEAR ME?
He kept screaming and started shaking me violently, with his hands still wrapped around my throat. I was seeing stars because I was starting to lose consciousness. I don’t know what he said or what happened next.
All I know is at the end of it all, I never left that afternoon and had to take Benadryl around the clock for some time because my throat hurt so bad that it felt like I was swallowing knives,
Anytime I tried to —
- eat and drink
- talk or yell
- cough, or
- swallow (in general)
As I said, this incident happened on December 27th, 2014. It would be mid—March 2015 (two months after my deadliest beating on January 5th, 2015) when I was finally able to swallow again, without any difficulties.
Although this was the first and only time Dwayne ever strangled me, in the context of a beating, this next incident (which happened early into our relationship) still calls that into question for me.
It was the first indicator of how deep his abusive tendencies went and it could have saved my life had I seen it for the red flag it truly was.
…
It Was October 2013
The day he almost killed me — “accidentally”
I came over to Dwayne’s apartment and at some point, we started having sex. Really rough sex. Let me make something clear, rough sex was not out of the norm for me. In general, but definitely with Dwayne.
But I’d been noticing something unusual about the sex we had. It was physically and sexually injuring me, whether it was rough or not. We’d only just started having sex but each time we did, I bled.
I’m talking, mean dripping blood.
(Sometimes with and without pain.)
Today’s tryst was different because it almost ended my life, and here’s why I’m convinced it was totally intentional.
We were in the missionary position when Dwayne suddenly wrapped his hands around my throat. I usually enjoy being choked during sex but it only took a split second for me to realize something was very wrong,
Because I wasn’t breathing.
As soon as his hands were around my throat, he shut off my breathing and stared me dead in the eye. He didn’t look like someone who was having sex.
His face went blank and yet looked angry.
I tried using my hands to hit his arms and grab at his chest but I was fading, and fast. It didn’t take a full ten seconds and everything started tingling as I saw little lights in my eyes. Everything slowed to a stop,
And I was out.
…
He Never Called 9–1–1
Luckily, I finally regained consciousness
I don’t know how long it took for me to regain consciousness and I don’t remember how long he said it had been but something in my mind keeps saying ten minutes so I’m assuming that’s how long I was out.
I eventually came to with him on top of me. He wasn’t inside of me any longer but he was leaning over me, asking if I was okay.
I said yea before asking him what happened because I didn’t know what was going on and initially hadn’t even remembered that we were having sex. I remembered nothing and as far as I felt,
I’d been out for hours.
I had no recollection of anything that had taken place, at first, until a flashback of the moment before I passed out came back to me of me trying to grab his chest and everything slowing down as I started to fade.
He told me that I passed out and that he tried to wake me up but I wasn’t budging. And that eventually I finally… just come to,
Before saying —
Holy shit, I thought I killed you!
And he was laughing about it.
I laughed too, waving it off as rough sex that almost went too far. But something about that joke didn’t sit right. Something about that entire incident made me feel weird. I realize he wasn’t actually concerned I might be dead, at all.
Writing this story is when I realized I was unconscious for a few minutes, after being strangled by him, but he never called 911 in the event that I could’ve been dead — or dying.
I wonder if I was supposed to die that day and whether or not he changed his mind at some point, in the process of killing me. But there’s another question I’m starting to ask that’s bothering me, in regard to the fact that he choked me to that extent, in the first place.
…
He Knew Exactly What He Was Doing
Image by iStockPhoto.com
So was it really an “accident”?
This was the incident that taught me that most strangulation scenes we see in movies, especially crimes of passion, are 100% falsified.
There is no major struggle or this intimate stare-off as the victim gasps for breath. If the person knows what they’re doing, you’re out like a light,
This brings me to my last point.
He knew exactly how to strangle someone, which means he knew exactly what he was doing; and I’m only just realizing this. He knew exactly how much pressure to apply to induce unconsciousness, without killing me.
He was so experienced that it took seconds for me to pass out, there was no real struggle to fight or breathe. Understand what I’m saying to you,
This was done expertly.
And he sadistically utilized this skill on me completely unprovoked. And he did it, during sex when I was in my most vulnerable state. Leaving me with the question of —
Where did he learn to strangle someone like that?
I’ll never know.
But what I’ve come to understand is that his sadistic nature in the bedroom was not only a major red flag, it was my very first indicator of what type of narcissist Dwayne really was.
A malignant one.
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Malignant Narcissists Love BDSM
Because it’s the only time they can hide their depravity in plain sight
Malignant narcissists, in my opinion, are the most dangerous of the types because they express both attributes of the overt narcissist and the covert narcissist.
They have a grandiose sense of self and display attention-seeking habits, like their overt counterparts. They are underhanded, calculated, and manipulative, like their covert counterparts.
But in addition, malignant narcissism can show up as: vindictiveness. sadism, or getting enjoyment from the pain of others.
According to the following article, here.
But let’s focus on sadism for a second because that is where the malignant narcissist is going to thrive, in the bedroom.
Malignant narcissists tend to be very into —
- rough sex/violence during sex
- dominant/submissive
- DD/LG (daddy dom/little girl) kinks
- degrading acts during foreplay and/or sex
The problem is things will go too far, and you will be gaslighted into thinking it wasn’t really their fault because of the fact that you initially consented. This is why they actually prefer BDSM because it is often how they get away with sexual crimes,
Such as —
- rape
- molestation
- sodomy, and
- other variations of sexual assault and harassment
As someone who has been into BDSM, I’ve had my share of wild sexual experiences but none have ever come close to what I’ve experienced with Dwayne, in and out of the bedroom. Dwayne was very sadistic in ways I had never encountered before.
…
He Raped Me for His Birthday
It happened on June 5th, 2014
Just a few months prior to the I mentioned earlier.
It was Dwayne’s birthday.
I planned a whole surprise party in his house with help from his brothers. We got all kinds of snacks and drinks, I got him his favorite cake and we took turns blowing up balloons. And, of course,
After the celebration we had sex.
In the middle of our having sex, he got me onto my stomach and once he did… he said nothing as he casually started initiating anal. I was dry and he wasn’t stopping so I started fighting and trying to scream but he started holding me down. He began choking me while repeating—
Shhh.
(Before covering my mouth when I started crying.)
What made it weird was the way he was saying it. He was saying it so gently as if he were helping a scared animal calm down as it was being put down (that vision always comes to mind when I think about this incident).
He was speaking to me so gently while blatantly sodomizing me. He also made it clear that he wanted to do anal with me and reminded me of how I kept telling him “no”. He said that because it was his birthday this was my gift to him — and his gift to himself.
Once he got all the way in, he was so rough with me that I was a wreck by the time he was done, emotionally and physically. My ex also did this the morning after I’d broken up with him the first time, as well.
Both are malignant narcissists.
Meaning, this is a pattern with them, but it can be harder to detect because the malignant knows how to be a chameleon, and will often pick and choose between which type of narcissist they want to come off as.
But it’s in the bedroom where the mask falls off.
Especially if you, yourself, are actually into rough sex or any facet of BDSM, because now they know they’re allowed the freedom to be as abusive as they truly are, out in the open and with the consent of their partner.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
 What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
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